Everyone has differing opinions on which teachers they consider to be the “worst” and the “best”, but a recent survey conducted by the school has finally put the debate to rest once and for all, determining that the worst teacher in the school also coincidentally happens to be the only teacher who holds to their syllabus and grades according to performance.

We followed up with numerous students who contributed to this verdict. One of them was Jim Thompson, who said, “Well, the class was always taught well, but every time I made a minor but factual inaccuracy, I always lost points for that! Any other teacher would have corrected it, given me the point, and moved on! But no, instead, I got 2 sentences of handwritten, personalized criticism!”

Another Junior, Jeffery Jones, also made a statement: “I showed up, like, 1 minute tardy to their class, and they actually reported my tardiness. They should have simply ignored it and let me get away with it. Why would they actually try to negatively reinforce unwanted behavior? That’s why I voted that way.”

“While every other class gets open-note quizzes, for some reason, in my class, the teacher expected us to MEMORIZE the information we were being quizzed on. Totally unfair,” stated Kris Grinkle, current Senior.

A current Junior in their class, Blake White, stated, “I heard from my friends that every other class got an extension on their project, but when we asked to get another week to procrastinate and to be unproductive, they refused. Not only that, but they also assign homework every couple of days to do outside of class, taking a whole 30 minutes of time out of class! The workload has been insane.”

Joseph Martinez, friend of Kris Grinkle, made the statement “I don’t really know why. I voted for them mostly because my friends told me bad things about them. I’ve never actually had them for a class.”

We followed up and asked the teacher themselves about the verdict and their thoughts. They responded via email with the following response: “This isn’t actually that hard of a class. I gave my students at least 3 full class periods to do the project and almost all of them were on their phone or talking with friends anyway. I’m always available for help and questions at any time, but none of them really took advantage of it. Despite that, I still go through and give feedback for each and every major assignment, most of which ends up being what I have been pointing out in class since it was assigned.” 

In other news, the only teacher who really couldn’t care less about teaching and thus gives everyone free 100s was voted best teacher.

This article is satirical.